2013 promises to be better than 2012. I am already happier and determined to be that way. It’s all about making the right changes. Involving more of the right people in my life and less of the wrong ones. Being more of the right kind of person in other people’s lives.
And trying really hard to get things done. Things have piled up and I have a large stack of things to get done. One task at a time.
I read this essay from Susan Klebold today.
In the wake of the recent school shooting tragedy, I want to know why people do horrible things to other people. I worry about video games and bullying. I want to be watchful and diligent. Her last paragraph really hit me:
I think I believed that if I loved someone as deeply as I loved him, I would know if he were in trouble. My maternal instincts would keep him safe. But I didn’t know. And my instincts weren’t enough.
I have known someone who committed suicide. I remember him saying that one of the things that kept him from doing it many times before was how much it would hurt his mother. In the end, that couldn’t save him.
We all want to point to someone or something that causes people to behave in ways we can’t fathom. They were bullied or mistreated or misunderstood or unloved or their parents didn’t teach them wrong from right. Prayer in schools, belief in God, abortion, access to assault rifles, et al are just bullshit agenda reactions.
I could be Susan Klebold or Nancy Lanza. Anyone can.
My kids did not hear about the school shooting. The school did not talk about it. We don’t watch the news or get the newspaper. I didn’t mention it to them. I hinted around trying to see if they heard anything to see if I needed to address it with them and they had not. I am grateful that the school didn’t address it with the students (they sent a letter home to parents), that my children remain unaware of it. Not because I didn’t have to talk about it with them, but because I feel they don’t need to know, they don’t need to fear for their own safety or be concerned at their age about this kind of thing.
You know what would be awesome? If my sister-in-law was not friends with my douche-ex, liking his photos and commenting on his shit. That would be awesome.
It’s been a while since I had much to say. I’m trying to stop being vindictive and hateful towards those that have hurt me and who are not, in my opinion, getting what they deserve. It’s really fucking hard. Total indifference is a gift that I just do not have. Forgive and forget is not within me. I can’t forget, and if that’s so, is there really forgiveness?
Me: Good people suffer and assholes win.
Her: I want to be an asshole.
I just want the assholes to lose once in a while.
Son worked hard to get his karate belt, it took him weeks to get it. He was so ecstatic to get it and I was so proud of him for working hard and being patient and earning it with a perfect performance. My heart broke for him when later he said his father told him he was never going to get it because he doesn’t show him any respect. And then he wanted to send his father a picture, seeking the approval of a bastard that doesn’t believe in him and makes his behavior about him. It never is about you, fuckface. Never. Grow up.
I dream of a Karma bus.